I ask myself, what would I want to share on International Women’s Day that would come from the heart?
I felt so compelled to write that it’s ok to cry.
It’s been a tough 12 months. The last edition of Authoritti5.0 Magazine that celebrated ID was in 2020. We showcased 15 exceptional women who were leading the way in their field and they still are. Back then, there was no COVID-19. It was business as usual.
Today, it’s different.
Please allow me to indulge in my own story. I hope you relate to it. Outside of us all having a heart and red blood – the only real difference we have is our movie that we call reality. All the superficial labels like race, colour, and status are just a part of a strategy to divide and conquer. To be frank, I am not going there. It’s too boring and limited.
Let me tell you what is truly real for all of us – our emotions and feelings. Even as I write this article, I am in a heightened state of emotion because I feel sad and restless, and at the same time, I am curious about my (our) future.
I am a mum, businesswoman, daughter, sister, friend, coach, colleague, and many other labels. To be honest, I am exhausted, and I hit my threshold these last few weeks in February.
During this last lockdown in Melbourne, there was so much resistance from the general public, and I resisted too. I found myself home-schooling again and literally spent 6 hours each day sitting side by side with my son, who is neurologically challenged, helping him navigate his way. I learned a lot about him and the deep care his teachers have for him. It was very rewarding.
On top of that were client meetings, taking care of the household, coaching calls, and managing my team. My nights were becoming early mornings because the work I needed to do during the day had to be done in the evening due to other priorities. I was overwhelmed and literally had to stop.
I felt I was in a place of complete chaos and spiralling out of control. On the outside I looked calm and in complete control, but on the inside there was an explosion. It was showing up in my body as symptoms too. The body speaks to us when we are in a state of overwhelm, that is for sure.
Last night, I sat on my bed completely vulnerable and cried profusely. I cried and cried and cried and had no idea why I was crying. It was 2 am. It was hot, dead silent, and dark.
Then, with absolute clarity, I had a breakthrough. It was as though my Spirit SELF sat in front of me and said, “You need to see this NOW, you need to experience this NOW, you need to learn from this lesson NOW.”
Holey Moley, was I going insane?
The day before this happened, I realised, through my son (the one who is neurologically challenged) that he was mirroring my trauma that I was still holding on to. The trigger started when he declared that he has no confidence and is afraid to share his thoughts and ideas just in case the children and teacher laugh at him. These were the exact words I said at his age. It hit me. I could see the things that he does were the things that I did as a child too.
I got into a huge panic: Did I pass on my childhood trauma on to my son? Maybe? If I did, it was NOT intentional nor was I conscious of it. You don’t know what you don’t know.
I sat on my bed at 2 am, and his words echoed in my mind. I was heartbroken. I could see with absolutely clarity how and why my journey to adulthood had been so tumultuous and unfulfilled. I could see how I used food as my safety net, and I was still carrying this underlying trauma at a deep cellular level.
The truth was, I realised that I was STILL holding on to my 9-year-old self. She was still protecting me, or was I still protecting her? I had not let go of the pain that I endured as a child. It was still so deep.
I felt sick in my stomach that I had come face to face with this truth. I was still holding on to 9-year-old me, and my 9-year-old son was mirroring that back to me like a Hollywood movie. This all happened in a 24-hour period.
So, as I sat on my bed, I decided to call in my 9-year-old self. One of my mentors taught me how to do this. I could see her standing in front of my bed in her school uniform with a big smile on her face, and I had to set her free with absolute love and no attachment. As the saying goes “If you love someone, set them free.” It was hard to say goodbye but liberating at the same time. I told her to fly and spread her wings. It was her time to go higher and higher above the noise, so she too can experience freedom and peace.
She left the room with such grace and dignity.
Where am I going with this story?
According to quantum physics, there is no time – no past, present, or future. There just is now. We can go back to our past story and give it a new meaning and start a new chapter in our life. I believe in this notion. I really do.
I am not sure who I was having a conversation with in my bed last night, and I don’t care either. What I do care about is the clarity 1 have today. I am still raw from the experience, but I had a profound breakthrough and I had to step into being ALL woman and owning my power. That 9. year-old child who taught me resilience, kindness, and to never stop pursuing my gift and talent has served me in a huge way. I am who I am because of her. I don’t want to change that about me. What I do want to do is to step into my full power and fly towards my unlimited potential. I am ready to take on that responsibility.
So, to all the Queens reading this article:
It’s your time. It’s my time.We are all the same.Step into your queendom.We are only separated by our movie.
Happy IWD 2021.
Mary x